More talking about myself

I don't like putting myself on a pedestal, but it's hard not to when, every day, I find more and more things that set me apart from my peers. I don't think I'm "special", or better than anyone else. That's not it at all. It's more a type of alienation or isolation. That feeling of loneliness despite being surrounded by thousands of people.
The thing is, though, that I don't feel lonely all the time, when I'm alone. I enjoy solitude, maybe sometimes too much. It's comfortable.

The same goes for relationships (or in my case, lack of). I have crushes like every other girl, but I'm content with being single. People don't understand that I'm happy on my own, and don't need some guy to complete my life. If I meet someone who defies all my conceptions of the male species, then so be it. But until then, I have no interest in dating. Absolutely none. My lack of affection and sentiment towards others has drawn criticism. I've been told I'm "cold" and "unemotional".

This is bullshit, especially since these critics barely knew me. Some of us expect constant attention from others. They want close physical proximity almost all the time and they can't function by themselves. I know people who can't even watch TV by themselves. This strikes me as odd, but I know better than to inquire into this and hurt anyone's feelings.

What I'm trying to say is, unless you've known me all my life, you have no right to call me cold and unemotional. I have as much emotional capacity as anyone else; I just express it differently. If you don't understand it and hate that you don't understand it, I'm sorry. I don't understand you either. But I don't expect YOU to change, and I won't change either unless I feel that there is truly something I need to change that will benefit both myself and others. We all have our own ways of living, of functioning, of taking the path of least resistance to get through each day. We learn in kindergarten that we're all different.

I think it's time we all started applying that, don't you?

It's funny. I have tons of acquaintances, and few close friends. I can carry on a conversation just fine with people I barely know, but when it comes to developing actual friendships, I'm completely lost. I get along with my classmates, we share funny stories, and yet it never goes beyond that. My concern for being rejected trumps making connections with people. If only I knew how to assert myself and be more confident, I could probably have tons of friends. Instead, I have more acquaintances than I can count. Is it really just me?

So you might think I'm depressed all the time, but really, I just have a bleak sense of humor. I try to be pleasant when I feel like shit, but it's hard, and usually people treat me like a leper covered with oozing sores when I smile and giggle and act perky like a "normal" person.

I am the way I am, and if you don't like the way I am, that's your problem. I'm cynical, sarcastic, grumpy, I laugh at random times and I'm usually the only one. If I have to hear another Glee song I will rip someone's head off. I think Homecoming Week is lame. Steve from Ghost Hunters is my phobia twin. I should be doing homework right now.