School schmool

Philosophy is @#&!ing hard. Really, really hard. I can't wait for it to be over even though my prof is cute in a  dorky way and has a funny laugh so I can move on with my life and stress out over something else. I still forget I'm a senior sometimes. It's weird when I see people that I think are older than me and are actually younger than me. Weird, I tell you. And I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life after college. Obviously I need to find a job, and eventually get my own place, and who knows what after that. I want to be young and naive and believe that I'll get a super awesome job somewhere really cool, but I know I have to be realistic. If I do get a super awesome job sometime in my life, it will be a long time from now. One thing I'm finding is that I really love history. Right now I'm taking a medieval civilizations class, and it's great. The professor is so enthusiastic about history, and he's quirky in that old guy historian way. Most of all though, what he talks about is so interesting. I think medieval/middle age politics is really fascinating. It was such an active time in history, when Europe and England were making big transitions into organized government and really getting themselves together. Not to mention, all the plots between royal family members and the gorgeous art and the cathedrals that were being constructed in those days. The fortresses, the conflicts between the papacy and royalty, etc. For my research paper, I'm learning about the amazing Blanche of Castile, who was Queen of France in the early to mid 13th century. I need to hurry up and finish her biography and get working on my other sources.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to get off the Zoloft. I started taking it when I was pretty young, for anxiety. A lot of times I think that my mom shouldn't have ever let them prescribe me a medication because I was so young at the time. I think it's screwed me up a little. Now if I don't take it for a couple of days, and then I do again, it messes me up physically. I feel weak, dizzy, my hands shake, and I have no appetite. My eyelids feel heavy and my limbs weigh a ton. It's pretty unpleasant. But that's what happens when you become so accustomed to having certain chemicals in your system that it affects you both mentally and physically.

When I went to Indy the last weekend of October with my parents, my mom told me that my dad finally went in for a check up (he hadn't done so for 8 years). Turns out he had a polyp, but the doctor had it removed. My dad also has very high blood pressure and high cholesterol. He lost 10 lbs over a few weeks. He has to take a medication now (I forget what for exactly) but for pretty much his entire life (until now) he has never been dependent on a medication. Whether or not he cares about that, I'm just glad he made that visit to the doctor when he did. And I hope he gets healthier.

Why do I only write here when I'm pissed about something

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place -- I don't want to apologize for who I am, but there are times when I really want to. When you're prone to being avoided, like me, you start to wonder if you should be yourself at all, as it clearly hasn't gotten you any friends. Should I say "Go to hell, this is me and if you don't like it, why are you wasting your time"? Or mumble, "Sorry" and go back to being a contrite little doormat, retreating to the wall and blending in with the stripes and flower prints? I'm caught between being my serious, distant, humorous-at-all-the-wrong-times self and attempting to fit into the mold of a warmer, more approachable extrovert.

I suck at filling that mold, by the way.

Am I awkward, or is it the people I try to have a normal conversation with? Why is it that my questions always go ignored, my snarky remarks get followed by silence, my presence not even be acknowledged? Is it because of who I am, or who I'm trying (and failing) to be? Am I not relaxed enough? Am I a ghost?

For once, I'd like to be that person that people listen to. I want people to be interested in what I have to say. I'd like to be able to actually relate to others, and have inside jokes and be able to laugh about stupid things that happen instead of slumping in my seat and feeling my insides curl in embarrassment, because I know I'm alone in what I go through. Something weird happens. "Has this ever happened to you?" I ask. "No", they say.

What do I do then?

It's like drowning in the middle of a deep pool, and no one's offering me a hand because they've never seen a person drown before.

When you hear the saying "I feel most alone when I'm surrounded by people", know that I understand it completely. Oh wait, you probably weren't even paying attention.

Ramble ramble

Tumblr is getting to be very habit-forming. I really need to stop finding ways to waste my life.

This might sound insanely trivial, but one of my goals for the not so distant future is to overhaul my wardrobe...or at least start. I know there are plenty of ways to express yourself, but I just hate that my clothes do absolutely nothing for me, stylewise. I look around and see all this cool stuff, and I'm like, wow, I really wish I'd thought of that. I know fashion is far from the most important thing in the world, but lately it's been clawing its way into my thought process and altering my interests. In other words, I'd like to get back into sewing. Get back, as in, when I was little, I knew how to sew. A little, anyway. But I like seeing how people take clothing that is super awesome but may not fight quite right, and just go, tear out some threads, and re-stitch to make everything work. That is fucking cool. I want to know how to do that. It's not a pointless skill.

So, in a way, I'm getting more into clothing and its aesthetic appeal for me. What am I into? Items that are simple yet charming, maybe with a vintage touch. I can't describe it, but it's definitely more interesting than what I actually wear.

I'm not trying to put myself down when I say I wish I had a better sense of style and dressed myself better. I don't think I tell people anything with what I wear, or pull off anything that could warrant a positive, even lasting impression. I'm dull on the outside, and while I don't see this as a horrible, unforgivable thing, it's definitely an aspect which demands improvement. I need to improve myself, inside and out. I get stuck in the doldrums so often, and it's like I don't have the energy to pull myself onto higher ground.

I want to experiment, to find what works for me (stylewise and living-wise). This is what makes me curious about the future. What can I do to improve myself, and after that, what can I do to improve the world around me? How can I consistently help out others, while juggling the tasks that make up the typical adult life? A career, household amenities, food, toilet paper, my health, my relationships?

I can be a much better person. Right now I'm just mediocre -- I'm friendly enough, I help people out in small ways when the situation calls for it. I get along well with my family and I stay out of trouble. Still, I also make mistakes, am lazy, forget things, lose things, and yell expletives at bad drivers. I'm facing the right direction, but I just need to figure out how to start moving, and keep moving. I hope I can reach my goals, no matter how simple and trifling some of them may be.