So I've neglected this place quite a lot and I know I need to do more writing. I've been focusing more on drawing and figuring out what do to with my life. Or what life I have, anyway.
I'm always talking about being a better person, and for awhile now I've been thinking about how I'm much more kick-ass in my head than in reality. Let's call this figment of my imagination "Kate". My hidden, other self who is outgoing, fun, likable, clever, witty, confident, and motivated. She has style, class, and attracts people who are just as awesome as she is.
Why can't I be Kate? Why am I so self-aware as to be crippled by my inhibitions and discomfort? Why do I care what others think of me? Why do I naturally stiffen up when I'm around other people? Why can't I stop feeling ugly, stupid, antisocial, boring, lazy, and pathetic all around?
Kate lives up in my head, but I want so badly to bring her to life -- to be her.
Is it weird that I have an alter ego in my mind who often does and says really badass things that I imagine I could've done in situations that ended up being so awkward? I don't want to stand out, and yet I do. I want to be noticed by people I admire. I want to be admired. I want to have some influence in the world.
Of course, Kate is prettier than me. I can't say how, but I suppose her confidence and superior sense of style have something to do with it. She always has something funny and witty to say, and she always makes people laugh. Everyone loves talking to her. Her voice doesn't sound weird. She doesn't say awkward things at awkward moments. She thinks before she talks -- and she doesn't talk too fast.
I want so badly to be this girl. To be interesting, to be the person with friends that always want to hang with her. To be assertive, and to do things right. To be calm at all times.
Sometimes I wish my life was like Stanley's in The Mask, where he puts on a mysterious mask and suddenly his alter ego takes over, and he runs wild through Edge City, getting away with whatever he wants. He's charismatic, funny, adventurous, and magnetic. I wish Kate would take over sometime. She can use an outing.
