It's raining again. I'm sitting in my room, in the apartment I share with three other people, and wondering if I'll be able to get my life together and actually move forward -- not in the sense of time, but in accomplishing important things. Getting a job, honing my skills, finding a semi-decent career after graduation, and hopefully after that a good one. For such a long time I've felt like I've been stuck in one place, while everyone else has moved on, leaving me in their dust. Getting actual lives, and forgetting about me. I feel like a kid. I feel incapable. I feel useless and unimportant. To my former friends, I'm that old knick knack that's covered in dust and not so fun to pay attention to anymore. I hate this feeling, and I can't figure out how to change things as quickly as possible. Whenever I want something to change, it just takes its time, or simply doesn't work out. When I apply for jobs, I don't get them. When I try to sign up for an appointment for a job, it's already been taken. Something is too expensive, or reserved for younger students. Always out of reach, hampered by one thing or another. I'm sick of the obstacles. I'm sick of holding myself back, and I'm sick and tired of random issues holding me back. I'm angry. It took me fifteen minutes to open a bottle of salad dressing; first the cap wouldn't twist off until I loosened it by sticking a knife under the edge and pulling it loose. Then the peel off cover ripped and I had to use the knife to cut it off the bottle.
Little things like this only serve to reinforce the notion that I suck at living life. I can't do anything right. Clothes always wrinkled no matter how I fold them, blankets too big or too small for the bed, hair on my pillow and clogging the shower drain, sticking on the carpet and sticking on my socks. Knocking things over when I try to grab them.
Hazard signs were created with me in mind, I'm sure. I'm that girl who trips over nothing and you thank your lucky stars you're not her.
