A lot of times I wish I lived in a Miyazaki movie. I was watching Castle in the Sky a couple days ago and desperately wanted to look up in the sky one day and see Laputa floating among the clouds. You could say I don't always live in reality. I get lost in my thoughts. But, come on. Reality or giant castle suspended above the earth, safe and uncorrupted from the chaos below? Ancient gardens, mechanical lifeforms, an underwater city, a giant tree -- if there is a heaven, that should be it. What I love about Miyazaki films is not just their creativity, detail and story, but the strange familiarity that envelops me every time I settle down to watch. Spirited Away, which I am also happy to own, is very much like this. It's returning to a secret hiding place, or remembering bits and pieces of dreams and stitching them back together in the order that makes the most sense. Kiki's Delivery Service makes me wish for simplicity and contentment; Kiki's trial is to spend a year away from home and improve her abilities as a witch, and also develop greater independence. The city she relocates to is bustling and very different from her quiet home, but it is also gorgeously quaint. She gets a job delivering baked goods for the bakery's pregnant owner, and makes friends along the way. It is such a simple story, but is presented in a charming way that makes me wish we could all start our lives over and abandon the complexities and obligations of 21st century life. Sometimes I imagine I could drop out of college if it meant lodging in the attic above a cozy bakery and spending my days delivering bread and cakes to generally friendly people. Ah, so simple and carefree. It's that youthfulness and optimism that capture the heart and stimulate the imagination.

can't sleep

I try on the blazer, thinking some kind of spark of self actualization will ignite or a light bulb blink on over my ragged ponytail, or the music playing in the store will rise to a dramatic crescendo, heralding my entrance into the universe of effortless style. Instead, I feel self conscious and awkward. I do not wear clothes well, because I'm still not 100% comfortable in my body. I was fussy and fidgety as all get out when I was a kid, and while more self-assured today, I still have my moments of incredible discomfort. It sucks. I reluctantly peek in at my reflection and am not blown away by it. As always, my head looks too small and my hands hang awkwardly at my sides. I never know what to do with my knobby, long-thumbed hands. I'm at that stage where I'm trying to get comfortable enough with myself where I can stand still and look normal. I've been a sloucher for the longest time, and am still working on keeping my shoulders and back straight as often as possible. I force my flat feet to into arched ones and try to point my toes a little more inward. I try to make eye contact with people more often, but still have a tendency to become robotic in random situations. You'd think I'd been raised by wolves.

Self-improvement is my thing right now. I want to be a better person, I need to be a better person. I want to be more attractive, more approachable, kinder, more outgoing and sociable. I want to be more responsible, accomplish things, and experience some success. I want to be recognized for doing something good. Not necessarily awards, but, you know, a thank you would suffice.

TBC