I try on the blazer, thinking some kind of spark of self actualization will ignite or a light bulb blink on over my ragged ponytail, or the music playing in the store will rise to a dramatic crescendo, heralding my entrance into the universe of effortless style. Instead, I feel self conscious and awkward. I do not wear clothes well, because I'm still not 100% comfortable in my body. I was fussy and fidgety as all get out when I was a kid, and while more self-assured today, I still have my moments of incredible discomfort. It sucks. I reluctantly peek in at my reflection and am not blown away by it. As always, my head looks too small and my hands hang awkwardly at my sides. I never know what to do with my knobby, long-thumbed hands. I'm at that stage where I'm trying to get comfortable enough with myself where I can stand still and look normal. I've been a sloucher for the longest time, and am still working on keeping my shoulders and back straight as often as possible. I force my flat feet to into arched ones and try to point my toes a little more inward. I try to make eye contact with people more often, but still have a tendency to become robotic in random situations. You'd think I'd been raised by wolves.
Self-improvement is my thing right now. I want to be a better person, I need to be a better person. I want to be more attractive, more approachable, kinder, more outgoing and sociable. I want to be more responsible, accomplish things, and experience some success. I want to be recognized for doing something good. Not necessarily awards, but, you know, a thank you would suffice.
TBC
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