I start work sometime next week, and in the meantime I need to figure out what to do from there. I've decided not to pursue a graduate program at Purdue University Calumet since their graduate program for English majors centers around just teaching. Lame. I regret not saying "f*ck it" and applying to art school 5 years ago, knowing that while I would be up to my eyeballs in debt, at least I'd be working towards something I actually cared about. So that's one of the reasons I still try to keep drawing and painting; I'm aware that I have some talent, at least, in that area, and I believe it could serve some kind of purpose later on in my life. I think I should work harder in my drawing to improve, and maybe I can construct a modest portfolio and do something with that. I don't want to be just good enough to do greeting cards; I want to be good enough to illustrate children's books, or draw a comic (if I have the patience), or design characters and environments for shows and films. Do storyboards and that kind of thing.
I just feel so lost, as always.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I need to get back into writing things other than half-assed declarations of my continued existence
Dyl balanced the cigarette on her lip at a 40 degree angle, revved the chainsaw, and began to cut. The grinding chain shrieked and moaned as bits of frozen tissue shot away from the point of contact like tiny rockets. Her wiry arms shook under the machine’s raw power with each descent into the limb’s hardening flesh.
The chain struck earth, kicking up thick clots of clay and withered grass. She turned off the saw and let it drop to the icy ground with a heavy, resounding thud. She regarded her work with a practiced eye. The minuscule droplets of her breath intermingled with curling tendrils of smoke as she nudged the leg back into alignment with the rest of the body with the scuffed toe of her boot.
It looked like a life-size Ken doll, stiff and motionless with its removable parts. The only thing off was the face -- eyes closed, no grin. She knelt over the head and placed her gloved hands on either side of the victim’s face, using her thumbs to tug the pursed blue lips into a smile.
No go.
She sat back on her heels and studied the horizon. The sun’s feeble rays competed with the occasional 20-mile per hour gusts that rattled the blackened tree branches and sprayed snow off the roof of her old Victorian farmhouse.
She lived, literally, in the dead center of nowhere. The epicenter of nothingness. The nearest roads were unmarked strips of country gravel that kicked up dust and made speeds over 30mph a challenge. The surrounding horizon stretched on for what Dyl figured were hundreds of miles; one flat field after another. A few windbreaks here and there, but little else. She liked the isolation, the uninterrupted privacy. Her house was perched on the only hill in the area, and she would always be able to see if someone was coming.
But no one ever did, and that was just fine with her.
Dyl took one last pull on her cigarette, then placed it between her victim’s lips. A strong gust of wind sent the ash toppling over, blowing into a pair of cavernous nostrils and clinging to 2-day old stubble. Dyl wiped it away, then pushed the cigarette all the way into the mouth. She forced the lips shut, but the jaw hung slack. She’d have to do something about that. There was caulk in the garage.
The chain struck earth, kicking up thick clots of clay and withered grass. She turned off the saw and let it drop to the icy ground with a heavy, resounding thud. She regarded her work with a practiced eye. The minuscule droplets of her breath intermingled with curling tendrils of smoke as she nudged the leg back into alignment with the rest of the body with the scuffed toe of her boot.
It looked like a life-size Ken doll, stiff and motionless with its removable parts. The only thing off was the face -- eyes closed, no grin. She knelt over the head and placed her gloved hands on either side of the victim’s face, using her thumbs to tug the pursed blue lips into a smile.
No go.
She sat back on her heels and studied the horizon. The sun’s feeble rays competed with the occasional 20-mile per hour gusts that rattled the blackened tree branches and sprayed snow off the roof of her old Victorian farmhouse.
She lived, literally, in the dead center of nowhere. The epicenter of nothingness. The nearest roads were unmarked strips of country gravel that kicked up dust and made speeds over 30mph a challenge. The surrounding horizon stretched on for what Dyl figured were hundreds of miles; one flat field after another. A few windbreaks here and there, but little else. She liked the isolation, the uninterrupted privacy. Her house was perched on the only hill in the area, and she would always be able to see if someone was coming.
But no one ever did, and that was just fine with her.
Dyl took one last pull on her cigarette, then placed it between her victim’s lips. A strong gust of wind sent the ash toppling over, blowing into a pair of cavernous nostrils and clinging to 2-day old stubble. Dyl wiped it away, then pushed the cigarette all the way into the mouth. She forced the lips shut, but the jaw hung slack. She’d have to do something about that. There was caulk in the garage.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Kate has yet to take over
I sound crazy, don't I? Like I'm awaiting the moment my other personality awakens and turns me into someone else?
I wish this were the case, actually. So, I made what could either be looked at as a huge mistake or a wise, but challenging, decision.
I decided not to further pursue a full time job that pays $10 an hour. Okay, before the hypothetical audience asks why I would turn this job down, let me explain myself. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make. I was called back for three interviews total; I attended each of them. The last one is the decider, the 5-hour observathon where I spent 4 hours behind the front desk, saying hi to anyone who walked in and serving beverages when they were asked for. Some points were very busy with people coming in; others were incredibly dull and I had nothing to do but sit and pretend I had something interesting to look at, even though there was nothing. At 4:05 I told the woman working the front desk/coordinator position I was applying for that I wasn't sure I could handle this. I should have specified that I wouldn't be able to juggle school with a full time job, but she understood and let me go a few minutes later.
The whole time I was there I felt awkward, uncomfortable with myself, and I was in the way (the area behind the front desk was quite cramped). It's hard to smile and look at ease when you aren't expected to actually DO anything, but at the same time you know you have to do SOMETHING. I stuck out because I wasn't working there; I probably looked like some random pasty girl just sitting back there awkwardly, trying to force my stiff face into an easygoing smile while looking important, like I served an actual purpose.
But it just didn't feel right to me. The cons outweighed the pros. I'm volunteering my time and knowledge at my local library to help teachers teach adults how to speak English as a second language (ESL). Keep in mind this is volunteering, not a paid position. However, I think I will grow to enjoy it and it's a valuable experience. I also want to use this as an opportunity to improve my people skills, which need a lot of improvement, and figure out how to loosen up, have fun, and become a somewhat competent helper in tutoring. The people I've met so far are very nice and also very direct, which I appreciate. I hate vagueness. To me, that shows a person who can be deceptive and manipulative. I appreciate honesty and concise answers.
One of the more obvious reasons why I chose to not further pursue the full time job is that they are looking for a committed employee; someone who will stay with the company for a long period of time, someone who will help the company grow. I can not commit to it, as it is not my career goal, and I wouldn't feel right working this job for a few months and then have to quit because of school. That would be more work for them to go through, and that wouldn't be fair to them.
What I want is part-time work, something I can juggle with being a full time student. (Not to mention the perks of being a student which include insurance and discounts).
I wish this were the case, actually. So, I made what could either be looked at as a huge mistake or a wise, but challenging, decision.
I decided not to further pursue a full time job that pays $10 an hour. Okay, before the hypothetical audience asks why I would turn this job down, let me explain myself. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make. I was called back for three interviews total; I attended each of them. The last one is the decider, the 5-hour observathon where I spent 4 hours behind the front desk, saying hi to anyone who walked in and serving beverages when they were asked for. Some points were very busy with people coming in; others were incredibly dull and I had nothing to do but sit and pretend I had something interesting to look at, even though there was nothing. At 4:05 I told the woman working the front desk/coordinator position I was applying for that I wasn't sure I could handle this. I should have specified that I wouldn't be able to juggle school with a full time job, but she understood and let me go a few minutes later.
The whole time I was there I felt awkward, uncomfortable with myself, and I was in the way (the area behind the front desk was quite cramped). It's hard to smile and look at ease when you aren't expected to actually DO anything, but at the same time you know you have to do SOMETHING. I stuck out because I wasn't working there; I probably looked like some random pasty girl just sitting back there awkwardly, trying to force my stiff face into an easygoing smile while looking important, like I served an actual purpose.
But it just didn't feel right to me. The cons outweighed the pros. I'm volunteering my time and knowledge at my local library to help teachers teach adults how to speak English as a second language (ESL). Keep in mind this is volunteering, not a paid position. However, I think I will grow to enjoy it and it's a valuable experience. I also want to use this as an opportunity to improve my people skills, which need a lot of improvement, and figure out how to loosen up, have fun, and become a somewhat competent helper in tutoring. The people I've met so far are very nice and also very direct, which I appreciate. I hate vagueness. To me, that shows a person who can be deceptive and manipulative. I appreciate honesty and concise answers.
One of the more obvious reasons why I chose to not further pursue the full time job is that they are looking for a committed employee; someone who will stay with the company for a long period of time, someone who will help the company grow. I can not commit to it, as it is not my career goal, and I wouldn't feel right working this job for a few months and then have to quit because of school. That would be more work for them to go through, and that wouldn't be fair to them.
What I want is part-time work, something I can juggle with being a full time student. (Not to mention the perks of being a student which include insurance and discounts).
Monday, June 28, 2010
I return!
So I've neglected this place quite a lot and I know I need to do more writing. I've been focusing more on drawing and figuring out what do to with my life. Or what life I have, anyway.
I'm always talking about being a better person, and for awhile now I've been thinking about how I'm much more kick-ass in my head than in reality. Let's call this figment of my imagination "Kate". My hidden, other self who is outgoing, fun, likable, clever, witty, confident, and motivated. She has style, class, and attracts people who are just as awesome as she is.
Why can't I be Kate? Why am I so self-aware as to be crippled by my inhibitions and discomfort? Why do I care what others think of me? Why do I naturally stiffen up when I'm around other people? Why can't I stop feeling ugly, stupid, antisocial, boring, lazy, and pathetic all around?
Kate lives up in my head, but I want so badly to bring her to life -- to be her.
Is it weird that I have an alter ego in my mind who often does and says really badass things that I imagine I could've done in situations that ended up being so awkward? I don't want to stand out, and yet I do. I want to be noticed by people I admire. I want to be admired. I want to have some influence in the world.
Of course, Kate is prettier than me. I can't say how, but I suppose her confidence and superior sense of style have something to do with it. She always has something funny and witty to say, and she always makes people laugh. Everyone loves talking to her. Her voice doesn't sound weird. She doesn't say awkward things at awkward moments. She thinks before she talks -- and she doesn't talk too fast.
I want so badly to be this girl. To be interesting, to be the person with friends that always want to hang with her. To be assertive, and to do things right. To be calm at all times.
Sometimes I wish my life was like Stanley's in The Mask, where he puts on a mysterious mask and suddenly his alter ego takes over, and he runs wild through Edge City, getting away with whatever he wants. He's charismatic, funny, adventurous, and magnetic. I wish Kate would take over sometime. She can use an outing.
I'm always talking about being a better person, and for awhile now I've been thinking about how I'm much more kick-ass in my head than in reality. Let's call this figment of my imagination "Kate". My hidden, other self who is outgoing, fun, likable, clever, witty, confident, and motivated. She has style, class, and attracts people who are just as awesome as she is.
Why can't I be Kate? Why am I so self-aware as to be crippled by my inhibitions and discomfort? Why do I care what others think of me? Why do I naturally stiffen up when I'm around other people? Why can't I stop feeling ugly, stupid, antisocial, boring, lazy, and pathetic all around?
Kate lives up in my head, but I want so badly to bring her to life -- to be her.
Is it weird that I have an alter ego in my mind who often does and says really badass things that I imagine I could've done in situations that ended up being so awkward? I don't want to stand out, and yet I do. I want to be noticed by people I admire. I want to be admired. I want to have some influence in the world.
Of course, Kate is prettier than me. I can't say how, but I suppose her confidence and superior sense of style have something to do with it. She always has something funny and witty to say, and she always makes people laugh. Everyone loves talking to her. Her voice doesn't sound weird. She doesn't say awkward things at awkward moments. She thinks before she talks -- and she doesn't talk too fast.
I want so badly to be this girl. To be interesting, to be the person with friends that always want to hang with her. To be assertive, and to do things right. To be calm at all times.
Sometimes I wish my life was like Stanley's in The Mask, where he puts on a mysterious mask and suddenly his alter ego takes over, and he runs wild through Edge City, getting away with whatever he wants. He's charismatic, funny, adventurous, and magnetic. I wish Kate would take over sometime. She can use an outing.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
A lot of times I wish I lived in a Miyazaki movie. I was watching Castle in the Sky a couple days ago and desperately wanted to look up in the sky one day and see Laputa floating among the clouds. You could say I don't always live in reality. I get lost in my thoughts. But, come on. Reality or giant castle suspended above the earth, safe and uncorrupted from the chaos below? Ancient gardens, mechanical lifeforms, an underwater city, a giant tree -- if there is a heaven, that should be it. What I love about Miyazaki films is not just their creativity, detail and story, but the strange familiarity that envelops me every time I settle down to watch. Spirited Away, which I am also happy to own, is very much like this. It's returning to a secret hiding place, or remembering bits and pieces of dreams and stitching them back together in the order that makes the most sense. Kiki's Delivery Service makes me wish for simplicity and contentment; Kiki's trial is to spend a year away from home and improve her abilities as a witch, and also develop greater independence. The city she relocates to is bustling and very different from her quiet home, but it is also gorgeously quaint. She gets a job delivering baked goods for the bakery's pregnant owner, and makes friends along the way. It is such a simple story, but is presented in a charming way that makes me wish we could all start our lives over and abandon the complexities and obligations of 21st century life. Sometimes I imagine I could drop out of college if it meant lodging in the attic above a cozy bakery and spending my days delivering bread and cakes to generally friendly people. Ah, so simple and carefree. It's that youthfulness and optimism that capture the heart and stimulate the imagination.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
can't sleep
I try on the blazer, thinking some kind of spark of self actualization will ignite or a light bulb blink on over my ragged ponytail, or the music playing in the store will rise to a dramatic crescendo, heralding my entrance into the universe of effortless style. Instead, I feel self conscious and awkward. I do not wear clothes well, because I'm still not 100% comfortable in my body. I was fussy and fidgety as all get out when I was a kid, and while more self-assured today, I still have my moments of incredible discomfort. It sucks. I reluctantly peek in at my reflection and am not blown away by it. As always, my head looks too small and my hands hang awkwardly at my sides. I never know what to do with my knobby, long-thumbed hands. I'm at that stage where I'm trying to get comfortable enough with myself where I can stand still and look normal. I've been a sloucher for the longest time, and am still working on keeping my shoulders and back straight as often as possible. I force my flat feet to into arched ones and try to point my toes a little more inward. I try to make eye contact with people more often, but still have a tendency to become robotic in random situations. You'd think I'd been raised by wolves.
Self-improvement is my thing right now. I want to be a better person, I need to be a better person. I want to be more attractive, more approachable, kinder, more outgoing and sociable. I want to be more responsible, accomplish things, and experience some success. I want to be recognized for doing something good. Not necessarily awards, but, you know, a thank you would suffice.
TBC
Self-improvement is my thing right now. I want to be a better person, I need to be a better person. I want to be more attractive, more approachable, kinder, more outgoing and sociable. I want to be more responsible, accomplish things, and experience some success. I want to be recognized for doing something good. Not necessarily awards, but, you know, a thank you would suffice.
TBC
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