I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place -- I don't want to apologize for who I am, but there are times when I really want to. When you're prone to being avoided, like me, you start to wonder if you should be yourself at all, as it clearly hasn't gotten you any friends. Should I say "Go to hell, this is me and if you don't like it, why are you wasting your time"? Or mumble, "Sorry" and go back to being a contrite little doormat, retreating to the wall and blending in with the stripes and flower prints? I'm caught between being my serious, distant, humorous-at-all-the-wrong-times self and attempting to fit into the mold of a warmer, more approachable extrovert.
I suck at filling that mold, by the way.
Am I awkward, or is it the people I try to have a normal conversation with? Why is it that my questions always go ignored, my snarky remarks get followed by silence, my presence not even be acknowledged? Is it because of who I am, or who I'm trying (and failing) to be? Am I not relaxed enough? Am I a ghost?
For once, I'd like to be that person that people listen to. I want people to be interested in what I have to say. I'd like to be able to actually relate to others, and have inside jokes and be able to laugh about stupid things that happen instead of slumping in my seat and feeling my insides curl in embarrassment, because I know I'm alone in what I go through. Something weird happens. "Has this ever happened to you?" I ask. "No", they say.
What do I do then?
It's like drowning in the middle of a deep pool, and no one's offering me a hand because they've never seen a person drown before.
When you hear the saying "I feel most alone when I'm surrounded by people", know that I understand it completely. Oh wait, you probably weren't even paying attention.
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