Dearest Cousin

I'm too nice to come out and say this to you directly, so it's going into this obscure little receptacle in a dark corner of the internet.

You are the worst conversationalist ever. Really. It defies any metaphorical explanation. I'd probably get more out of talking to myself. You start every single "convo" with the same greeting, the same damn question. A few times I've said, "Hello, and yes I'm fine" before you got a chance to ask and you didn't seem aware of it. As your relative, I believe I have the right to complain about your conversational shortcomings. I'm aware that you're going through a lot now, but usually someone who is going through a lot, especially being someone I've known all my life, I would have thought you'd be more inclined to spill. But no, maybe I'm too young and insignificant, and you'd rather chat with my sister, who is closer to you in age. Fine. But if that's really the case, then don't waste your trivial, repetitive small talk on me. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm the small-talk recipient for lots of people, and I don't need it from you.

I often have to wait at least five minutes for a one-word reply from you. You said, "I saw Paranormal Activity today." I asked, "How was it?" You said, "Scary."
That's it. "Scary."

Well knock me over with a flea.

I should expect bland, one-word answers from you by now, but I can't stop hoping that one day I'll get some complete sentence responses. Why do you bother talking to me when we're not really even having a legitimate conversation? What's the point? Here's my advice for you:

Get a hobby.

You spend too much time sitting around, doing Facebook quizzes (which spam my homepage), watching TV, and calling my family and talking in much the same way you do with me on Facebook. I'm sorry, but talking to you in any form is painful. You're a sweet person most of the time, but your idea of conversation is excruciatingly lacking. When you're not working, this is what you do. Your social life consists of walking around the mall or going and getting drunk at bars with friends.

If you want to meet more people, and maybe even a new guy, you need to get out of the house and get involved in something. Find another job, join some kind of group, do something. I know I could say the same for myself in some respects, but I'm not the boring conversationalist. You are. You need to find better ways to pass your time. Try new things, find ways to improve yourself.

But enough of the "Hi Katie how are you" thing every day. I've answered that question way too many times. My answer is always the same. Be a little more creative. You'd have much more to say if your life were actually busier.

I think really, the reason you prefer my sister to me is because you two are more alike. Not necessarily because of age, but because you're both lacking certain maturity. Amazingly, I think my sister is more mature than you in ways. She's also more vocal and interesting to converse with (but then, she IS my sister).

Dear cousin, I love you very much, and you know I understand that you've had a lot of things you've had to deal with in the last few years, from your father's sudden, untimely death, to his belligerent relations, to your divorce. The divorce could have been avoided if you hadn't gotten married in the first place; if you'd thought things over and realized that, gee, after eight years of this lukewarm (at best) relationship, maybe marriage isn't the best idea. You two never communicate. Shouldn't that be a red light right there? One year of not-so-wedded-bliss and all that money for nothing. It's depressing.

Try thinking for yourself a little more.