I haven't been happy for a long time.
I hate that this is true, and I wish I could say this without fear of being told I'm just overreacting or "being a baby".
I usually get along with my father, but I can't show any emotion aside from neutrality around him or else he gets annoyed.
Because I'm just being a typical emotional woman, irrational and weak, obviously. I'm not allowed to be legitimately angry or sad because that's just childish, right, dad?
I do hate getting angry though, because I always end up crying. If I didn't have the awful habit of bursting into tears, I would enjoy being angry a lot more. I wish I could swallow my weak, tearful instincts and be cold and calm. I wish I could look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what I think of them and their bullshit without the threat of tears. My father ceases to take me seriously when I'm crying, and that upsets me even more. Because when am I more serious than when I'm crying? I'm not begging for sympathy or attention. I want to be listened to, and he doesn't listen to me.
He doesn't care.
My mother tries to be understanding but I know she can't really do anything else. She knows, too. I'm just her pathetic, 23-year old daughter who hasn't accomplished anything beyond college graduation in the last year and who has no clue what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
I'm a lazy, stupid, confused waste of flesh that walked out of a job after just a month because I was too sensitive and too inexperienced to handle it.
My father loves reminding me of my inexperience.
I want to get as far away from my family as possible. They make me feel 1 inch tall. Not as successful and brilliant as others my age. I'm sick of being the baby.
I'm depressed. The thing I want most in the world is privacy. A place of my own that is all my own, where no one else can trespass and where I can live how I like, all alone, until I die.
Life is like a board full of holes cut into different shapes, and I don't fit into any of them. I don't feel like I belong. Not anywhere, and not with anyone. It's an awful feeling to have because when you try to tell someone, they don't understand. They think you're just being silly.
It's a lonely, frustrating feeling. I can't relate with other people. Being surrounded by people you can't understand and relate with is terrible because it means you're constantly being reminded of your own strangeness, and the fact that you don't "fit".
I don't know what to do.
I hate that this is true, and I wish I could say this without fear of being told I'm just overreacting or "being a baby".
I usually get along with my father, but I can't show any emotion aside from neutrality around him or else he gets annoyed.
Because I'm just being a typical emotional woman, irrational and weak, obviously. I'm not allowed to be legitimately angry or sad because that's just childish, right, dad?
I do hate getting angry though, because I always end up crying. If I didn't have the awful habit of bursting into tears, I would enjoy being angry a lot more. I wish I could swallow my weak, tearful instincts and be cold and calm. I wish I could look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what I think of them and their bullshit without the threat of tears. My father ceases to take me seriously when I'm crying, and that upsets me even more. Because when am I more serious than when I'm crying? I'm not begging for sympathy or attention. I want to be listened to, and he doesn't listen to me.
He doesn't care.
My mother tries to be understanding but I know she can't really do anything else. She knows, too. I'm just her pathetic, 23-year old daughter who hasn't accomplished anything beyond college graduation in the last year and who has no clue what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
I'm a lazy, stupid, confused waste of flesh that walked out of a job after just a month because I was too sensitive and too inexperienced to handle it.
My father loves reminding me of my inexperience.
I want to get as far away from my family as possible. They make me feel 1 inch tall. Not as successful and brilliant as others my age. I'm sick of being the baby.
I'm depressed. The thing I want most in the world is privacy. A place of my own that is all my own, where no one else can trespass and where I can live how I like, all alone, until I die.
Life is like a board full of holes cut into different shapes, and I don't fit into any of them. I don't feel like I belong. Not anywhere, and not with anyone. It's an awful feeling to have because when you try to tell someone, they don't understand. They think you're just being silly.
It's a lonely, frustrating feeling. I can't relate with other people. Being surrounded by people you can't understand and relate with is terrible because it means you're constantly being reminded of your own strangeness, and the fact that you don't "fit".
I don't know what to do.
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