I sometimes wonder if I am asexual.
Wait, is that right? Asexual usually refers to organisms that reproduce on their own, without the participation of another organism, right? Or am I wrong?
I really need to brush up on my biology.
Okay, starting again.
I sometimes wonder if I am nonsexual.
Hmm. Still sounds funny. Whatever. Moving on, for real this time.
It's not necessarily that I don't have interests in the opposite sex. I do. However, when I start to think about the concept of the Relationship, I get turned off. Two people meet, sparks fly for some reason, things are romantic and uncertain for a little while, and then after a few weeks, they are in a Relationship. They settle down a little, create nicknames for each other, participate in shameless public displays of affection, and do everything together. They see each other everyday, and if they happen to not see one another everyday by some cruel twist of fate, they talk on the phone with their lips puckered and mumble sweet nothings and "I miss you's" and take fifteen minutes to say good bye.
At this point, our couple is solid -- they have become used to each other, and know almost everything about one another's lives, and what they're thinking about. The intrigue is gone. Instead there's familiarity, and that time where you begin to see your significant other's flaws. You start to complain about their habits to your friends.
"He shits with the bathroom door open. I can't stand it. He's like an animal!"
"She's always leaving her bloody tampons in the garbage where I can see them. She's like an animal!"
Like most relationships, it eventually ends, as the two lovebirds cool down and can finally see again, free from the haze of blinding romance. They're back to reality, and just aren't that into each other anymore.
The guy and girl (or girl and girl, or guy and guy, or guy and bench, doesn't matter really) are sick of one another and are beginning to look around for fresh new prospects. It's time to start the whole process over again. And again. And again.
See why this turns me off?
Or maybe, to return to my original point, I'm not a/nonsexual. Maybe I'm like Scarlett Johanssen, who doesn't believe in just screwing one person and staying with them forever. I like the idea of intrigue, not knowing enough about a person to criticize them. Maybe I'm a commitmentphobe. Maybe I'd prefer flings.
I did not just say that.
Anyway, for me, I'd much rather see a guy and fantasize about what he might be like, instead of experiencing the harsh cut of reality when he says he prefers sultry babes and then not so subtly digs wax out of his ear with his fingernail. Or spits on the sidewalk. I hate it when a guy does that. It's disgusting, and indicates that he couldn't care less about being a gentleman.
Maybe my standards are too high.
Should I lower them? For some reason I find this idea appalling. It puts a bad taste in my mouth.
Am I a flake? A daydreamer? A useless blob who'd rather get lost in Fantasy Land? It's so childish, this rejection of reality. But it's oh so addictive, and feels so good.
What I'm getting at, is, ultimately, that I enjoy being single. Occasionally I'll feel all blah and "Nobody cares about me" and "Baawwwww" but really, I love having privacy, and being able to do whatever I feel like doing without having to consult my "better half". I don't have to worry about another person like they're my Siamese twin.
It's great!
Before I get any complaints (cue crickets chirping), I'd like to say that I have nothing against the general population and the general decision to be a part of a couple. Most people are in relationships, and that's okay. If things work for you, then it's all good.
What I rail against is people who throw themselves into the dating pool because they feel worthless or desperate to conform to societal norms. I used to pressure myself, and my sister used to pick on me about not having a boyfriend. She basically referred to me as a lesbian, which I am not (girls irritate the hell out me; there is just no way), and this led to me being extremely ashamed and embarrassed. Obviously, one should not be ashamed about their sexuality. However, I was upset about being called something I am not. This occurred during my awkward years, when I was already wanting for self esteem and didn't have any understanding peers to confide in. My sister's teasing made me feel worse.
Over the years, as a singleton, I've obviously gotten comfortable with my status. I like it. It suits me. I'm a solitary type of person. I'm not interested in adjusting my routines and quirks around someone else's. I'm not interested in sharing a bed with another person, either. I like sleeping alone, thanks.
My outlook became even rosier when a friend of mine pointed me to a book called Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics by Sasha Cagen. I don't like to label myself, or even really define myself, but this little book got me excited. I took the quiz at the beginning (even though I'd done it once already on the website) and, to quote Sasha, "Ooh la la" -- a perfect match! I had found something that gave meaning to how I felt, and why I was so different from other girls in high school and college when it came to relationships. I'm not a standalone freak! Yessss!
It was a quiet moment of triumph (most of my triumphs, though few, usually are), but there might as well have been thousands of people standing around cheering and with speakers blasting "We Are the Champions". I felt so much more confident about my feelings. About myself. Quirkyalones are, as described by the author, people who refuse to date just for the sake of dating and being "normal", and who instead choose to stay single until they meet a person who completely blows them away (not in a violent manner, of course). Someone who exceeds one's standards and is truly special.
I don't consider myself to be a mushy gushy romantic. But I don't think you have to be the hardcore, Jane Austin-worshipping, poetic, delicate "lily" with emotions like tidal waves in order to be a "romantic". I think it just applies to a person who refuses to take part in something that does not occupy all of their heart and soul; all their care. A person that naturally claims these things is the only one worth dating. You don't make smoochy noises and scatter rose petals on the bed. You just have your own special customs, and that, I believe, is truly romantic.
Employment status: Hopeless
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