School schmool

Philosophy is @#&!ing hard. Really, really hard. I can't wait for it to be over even though my prof is cute in a  dorky way and has a funny laugh so I can move on with my life and stress out over something else. I still forget I'm a senior sometimes. It's weird when I see people that I think are older than me and are actually younger than me. Weird, I tell you. And I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life after college. Obviously I need to find a job, and eventually get my own place, and who knows what after that. I want to be young and naive and believe that I'll get a super awesome job somewhere really cool, but I know I have to be realistic. If I do get a super awesome job sometime in my life, it will be a long time from now. One thing I'm finding is that I really love history. Right now I'm taking a medieval civilizations class, and it's great. The professor is so enthusiastic about history, and he's quirky in that old guy historian way. Most of all though, what he talks about is so interesting. I think medieval/middle age politics is really fascinating. It was such an active time in history, when Europe and England were making big transitions into organized government and really getting themselves together. Not to mention, all the plots between royal family members and the gorgeous art and the cathedrals that were being constructed in those days. The fortresses, the conflicts between the papacy and royalty, etc. For my research paper, I'm learning about the amazing Blanche of Castile, who was Queen of France in the early to mid 13th century. I need to hurry up and finish her biography and get working on my other sources.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to get off the Zoloft. I started taking it when I was pretty young, for anxiety. A lot of times I think that my mom shouldn't have ever let them prescribe me a medication because I was so young at the time. I think it's screwed me up a little. Now if I don't take it for a couple of days, and then I do again, it messes me up physically. I feel weak, dizzy, my hands shake, and I have no appetite. My eyelids feel heavy and my limbs weigh a ton. It's pretty unpleasant. But that's what happens when you become so accustomed to having certain chemicals in your system that it affects you both mentally and physically.

When I went to Indy the last weekend of October with my parents, my mom told me that my dad finally went in for a check up (he hadn't done so for 8 years). Turns out he had a polyp, but the doctor had it removed. My dad also has very high blood pressure and high cholesterol. He lost 10 lbs over a few weeks. He has to take a medication now (I forget what for exactly) but for pretty much his entire life (until now) he has never been dependent on a medication. Whether or not he cares about that, I'm just glad he made that visit to the doctor when he did. And I hope he gets healthier.

Why do I only write here when I'm pissed about something

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place -- I don't want to apologize for who I am, but there are times when I really want to. When you're prone to being avoided, like me, you start to wonder if you should be yourself at all, as it clearly hasn't gotten you any friends. Should I say "Go to hell, this is me and if you don't like it, why are you wasting your time"? Or mumble, "Sorry" and go back to being a contrite little doormat, retreating to the wall and blending in with the stripes and flower prints? I'm caught between being my serious, distant, humorous-at-all-the-wrong-times self and attempting to fit into the mold of a warmer, more approachable extrovert.

I suck at filling that mold, by the way.

Am I awkward, or is it the people I try to have a normal conversation with? Why is it that my questions always go ignored, my snarky remarks get followed by silence, my presence not even be acknowledged? Is it because of who I am, or who I'm trying (and failing) to be? Am I not relaxed enough? Am I a ghost?

For once, I'd like to be that person that people listen to. I want people to be interested in what I have to say. I'd like to be able to actually relate to others, and have inside jokes and be able to laugh about stupid things that happen instead of slumping in my seat and feeling my insides curl in embarrassment, because I know I'm alone in what I go through. Something weird happens. "Has this ever happened to you?" I ask. "No", they say.

What do I do then?

It's like drowning in the middle of a deep pool, and no one's offering me a hand because they've never seen a person drown before.

When you hear the saying "I feel most alone when I'm surrounded by people", know that I understand it completely. Oh wait, you probably weren't even paying attention.

Ramble ramble

Tumblr is getting to be very habit-forming. I really need to stop finding ways to waste my life.

This might sound insanely trivial, but one of my goals for the not so distant future is to overhaul my wardrobe...or at least start. I know there are plenty of ways to express yourself, but I just hate that my clothes do absolutely nothing for me, stylewise. I look around and see all this cool stuff, and I'm like, wow, I really wish I'd thought of that. I know fashion is far from the most important thing in the world, but lately it's been clawing its way into my thought process and altering my interests. In other words, I'd like to get back into sewing. Get back, as in, when I was little, I knew how to sew. A little, anyway. But I like seeing how people take clothing that is super awesome but may not fight quite right, and just go, tear out some threads, and re-stitch to make everything work. That is fucking cool. I want to know how to do that. It's not a pointless skill.

So, in a way, I'm getting more into clothing and its aesthetic appeal for me. What am I into? Items that are simple yet charming, maybe with a vintage touch. I can't describe it, but it's definitely more interesting than what I actually wear.

I'm not trying to put myself down when I say I wish I had a better sense of style and dressed myself better. I don't think I tell people anything with what I wear, or pull off anything that could warrant a positive, even lasting impression. I'm dull on the outside, and while I don't see this as a horrible, unforgivable thing, it's definitely an aspect which demands improvement. I need to improve myself, inside and out. I get stuck in the doldrums so often, and it's like I don't have the energy to pull myself onto higher ground.

I want to experiment, to find what works for me (stylewise and living-wise). This is what makes me curious about the future. What can I do to improve myself, and after that, what can I do to improve the world around me? How can I consistently help out others, while juggling the tasks that make up the typical adult life? A career, household amenities, food, toilet paper, my health, my relationships?

I can be a much better person. Right now I'm just mediocre -- I'm friendly enough, I help people out in small ways when the situation calls for it. I get along well with my family and I stay out of trouble. Still, I also make mistakes, am lazy, forget things, lose things, and yell expletives at bad drivers. I'm facing the right direction, but I just need to figure out how to start moving, and keep moving. I hope I can reach my goals, no matter how simple and trifling some of them may be.

Tim Gunn's 10 Essential Elements: Must-Have Basic Wardrobe Pieces for Any Woman

Inspiration low, so I'm posting other things relevant to my interests.

1. Basic Black Dress - The basic black dress has been around for a long time. It is often called the "Little Black Dress", and it's true that shorter skirts on the basic black dress, when they hit you in the right place, can be more flattering than a long black dress.
2. Trench Coat - The trench coat is one of the pieces that is both classic and currently a hot fashion item. Most any store sells this piece now. It is great for fall and you can pick it up in a wide range of lengths.
3. Dress Pants - Although it doesn't say black, this is probably what you want to look for. Black is flattering on all figures and goes with everything.
4. Classic Shirt - The white shirt is a definite classic. But it can also come in many different styles to make it look trendy and not dated or like a man's piece of clothing. Find one that accentuates your best attributes and minimizes trouble spots. For example, if you have wide shoulders, stay away from large collars.
5. Jeans - Everyone has a pair of jeans, but does everyone have a pair of jeans that make them look great? The wider leg, low-rise jean style has been popular (and still is) but a narrower leg is coming back along with a higher waist, which eliminates the unflattering "muffin top" look.
6. Any Occasion Top - Find something you look great in that can look respectable under a jacket but bring on the fun after hours.
7. Skirt - If you need dress pants then you also need a skirt. A skirt is womanly and can be flirty or businesslike. Nowadays women do not wear many skirts or dresses, which makes a lot of them fall into a rut of dressing sloppily or like men. See number 8.
8. Day Dress - Women also are not wearing as many dresses anymore. It was certainly liberating to go from the '50s when women wore dresses every day to wearing more practical pants for gardening, exercising, and so forth. But the dress does not have to be abandoned altogether. They can be very flattering, and there is nothing wrong with "dressing up" for daytime.
9. Jacket - A jacket does not have to be masculine. Find one with a proper, fitted shape. Women's jackets should follow the silhouette of a woman's body and accent the hourglass curve at her waist. It is also a perfect piece to put with the skirt or dress pants, and white shirt. Or make it casual with a pair of jeans.
10. Sweatsuit Alternative - As mentioned before, women wear fewer skirts and dresses these days. But some women have taken casual to the extreme and spend days on end in sweatsuits. It is possible to be casual and comfortable without looking like a slob. Find a comfortable material (that's why this doesn't say jeans again – denim is not as comfortable as a nice soft cotton) that you would want to wear every day. It could be khakis, cords, a cotton dress, or much more.

Read more: http://womensfashion.suite101.com/article.cfm/tim_gunns_10_essential_elements#ixzz0VO7efsHs

WAHT DISNEY PRINCESS AM I

Cinderella

One of your parents is dead.
You are expected to do a lot of chores.
You love to dress up.
You love animals.
You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming.
Your mom is really strict.
You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you.
You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes.
You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before.
You have blonde hair.
Total: 4

Belle

You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like.
You’ve been lost in the forest.
You love to read.
You are not shy at all, and not afraid to speak your mind.
One of your family members is a bit weird.
You have done volunteer work.
You have a wild imagination.
You love to take care of people in need.
You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty.
You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out.
Total: 6

Jasmine

Your dad is very rich/important.
You are very clever.
You’ve been with someone way different from you.
You’re unique and different from everyone else.
You’d never marry someone just because they were rich.
You have set a lot of goals for yourself.
You don’t have a lot of friends.
You’re independent.
You are wealthy.
Your parents try to control your life.
Total: 3

Ariel

Your parents expect a lot from you.
You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you.
You’re a bit of a trouble maker.
You’re the youngest in your family or in the last two.
You have a lot of sisters (three or more).
You collect something.
You have/had long hair.
You have/had a pet fish.
You’re extremely curious.
You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible.
Total: 4

Snow White

You know that you’re beautiful.
Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you.
You’ve almost been killed.
You have at least seven good friends.
You’ve had food poisoning.
You have/had short hair.
You get along with almost everyone.
All of your friends are different.
You love to have a good time.
You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in.
Total: 4

Mulan

You can be a tomboy sometimes.
People wish you could be a bit more girly.
You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not.
You’ve had a physical fight with someone.
You have/had considered running away from home.
Your parents try to plan your life out.
A lot of your friends are boys.
You sometimes find yourself in bad situations.
You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them.
Total: 5

Aurora

You live/have lived with someone other than your parents.
You almost died at a very young age.
You are gentle, loving and/or thoughtful.
You have a decent singing voice.
You like to sleep in late on the weekends.
You spend most of your time outside, or try to do so.
You’re adopted.
You’re very romantic.
Pink is one of your favorite colors. (It's actually a good color on me)
Total: 3

Pocahontas

You love to walk around and explore big cities.
You are more spiritual than religious.
You’ve been in an interracial relationship.
One of your family members is dead (mum, dad, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa).
Your parents are very protective of you.
Someone you know has been in war.
You love nature.
You have/had black hair.
You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful.
You’re very adventurous.
Total: 5

Dearest Cousin

I'm too nice to come out and say this to you directly, so it's going into this obscure little receptacle in a dark corner of the internet.

You are the worst conversationalist ever. Really. It defies any metaphorical explanation. I'd probably get more out of talking to myself. You start every single "convo" with the same greeting, the same damn question. A few times I've said, "Hello, and yes I'm fine" before you got a chance to ask and you didn't seem aware of it. As your relative, I believe I have the right to complain about your conversational shortcomings. I'm aware that you're going through a lot now, but usually someone who is going through a lot, especially being someone I've known all my life, I would have thought you'd be more inclined to spill. But no, maybe I'm too young and insignificant, and you'd rather chat with my sister, who is closer to you in age. Fine. But if that's really the case, then don't waste your trivial, repetitive small talk on me. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm the small-talk recipient for lots of people, and I don't need it from you.

I often have to wait at least five minutes for a one-word reply from you. You said, "I saw Paranormal Activity today." I asked, "How was it?" You said, "Scary."
That's it. "Scary."

Well knock me over with a flea.

I should expect bland, one-word answers from you by now, but I can't stop hoping that one day I'll get some complete sentence responses. Why do you bother talking to me when we're not really even having a legitimate conversation? What's the point? Here's my advice for you:

Get a hobby.

You spend too much time sitting around, doing Facebook quizzes (which spam my homepage), watching TV, and calling my family and talking in much the same way you do with me on Facebook. I'm sorry, but talking to you in any form is painful. You're a sweet person most of the time, but your idea of conversation is excruciatingly lacking. When you're not working, this is what you do. Your social life consists of walking around the mall or going and getting drunk at bars with friends.

If you want to meet more people, and maybe even a new guy, you need to get out of the house and get involved in something. Find another job, join some kind of group, do something. I know I could say the same for myself in some respects, but I'm not the boring conversationalist. You are. You need to find better ways to pass your time. Try new things, find ways to improve yourself.

But enough of the "Hi Katie how are you" thing every day. I've answered that question way too many times. My answer is always the same. Be a little more creative. You'd have much more to say if your life were actually busier.

I think really, the reason you prefer my sister to me is because you two are more alike. Not necessarily because of age, but because you're both lacking certain maturity. Amazingly, I think my sister is more mature than you in ways. She's also more vocal and interesting to converse with (but then, she IS my sister).

Dear cousin, I love you very much, and you know I understand that you've had a lot of things you've had to deal with in the last few years, from your father's sudden, untimely death, to his belligerent relations, to your divorce. The divorce could have been avoided if you hadn't gotten married in the first place; if you'd thought things over and realized that, gee, after eight years of this lukewarm (at best) relationship, maybe marriage isn't the best idea. You two never communicate. Shouldn't that be a red light right there? One year of not-so-wedded-bliss and all that money for nothing. It's depressing.

Try thinking for yourself a little more.