I haven't been happy for a long time.

I hate that this is true, and I wish I could say this without fear of being told I'm just overreacting or "being a baby".

I usually get along with my father, but I can't show any emotion aside from neutrality around him or else he gets annoyed.

Because I'm just being a typical emotional woman, irrational and weak, obviously. I'm not allowed to be legitimately angry or sad because that's just childish, right, dad?

I do hate getting angry though, because I always end up crying. If I didn't have the awful habit of bursting into tears, I would enjoy being angry a lot more. I wish I could swallow my weak, tearful instincts and be cold and calm. I wish I could look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what I think of them and their bullshit without the threat of tears. My father ceases to take me seriously when I'm crying, and that upsets me even more. Because when am I more serious than when I'm crying? I'm not begging for sympathy or attention. I want to be listened to, and he doesn't listen to me.

He doesn't care.

My mother tries to be understanding but I know she can't really do anything else. She knows, too. I'm just her pathetic, 23-year old daughter who hasn't accomplished anything beyond college graduation in the last year and who has no clue what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

I'm a lazy, stupid, confused waste of flesh that walked out of a job after just a month because I was too sensitive and too inexperienced to handle it.

My father loves reminding me of my inexperience.

I want to get as far away from my family as possible. They make me feel 1 inch tall. Not as successful and brilliant as others my age. I'm sick of being the baby.

I'm depressed. The thing I want most in the world is privacy. A place of my own that is all my own, where no one else can trespass and where I can live how I like, all alone, until I die.

Life is like a board full of holes cut into different shapes, and I don't fit into any of them. I don't feel like I belong. Not anywhere, and not with anyone. It's an awful feeling to have because when you try to tell someone, they don't understand. They think you're just being silly.

It's a lonely, frustrating feeling. I can't relate with other people. Being surrounded by people you can't understand and relate with is terrible because it means you're constantly being reminded of your own strangeness, and the fact that you don't "fit".

I don't know what to do.

Guns and Paranoia

I had a discussion with someone about a week ago about gun ownership and 2nd amendment rights. They believe that gun ownership and concealed carry contribute to "fear of guns" and widespread paranoia. That the presence of armed citizens somehow creates a hostile environment of suspicion and impulsive actions.

I disagree with this entirely. What does contribute to a fear of guns, widespread paranoia, hostile environments and impulsive actions is the complaints from anti-gun alarmists. Instead of encouraging the education of individuals in gun use, its history, and other related topics, they try to eradicate it altogether because it's apparently too dangerous and too scary of a subject. Guns are bad, they are dangerous, and they are unpredictable, they say. I probably don't have to add that these are people who have likely never touched a gun in their lives.

Fear of the unknown. That's what it's about. We fear that which we do not understand, and fear of firearms is exactly the same thing for these people. Instead of seeing how an innocent person could use a gun to protect themselves and prevent a crime from happening, they say "someone could have gotten hurt or even killed". It doesn't matter that the person just saved their own life without having to fire a shot.

But the media reports stories of shootings in a manner that suggests they happen everywhere all the time, and do not provide sufficient facts and details. They select pieces of events and fabricate a story in order to spread fear and paranoia that gun violence is rampant, and a product of mere gun ownership (legal or otherwise), as if simply having a gun in your possession makes you want to go out and kill someone. As if guns either have a free will of their own or somehow manipulate a person's mind and turn them into monsters.

Responsible, well-trained gun owners would probably tell you that they wouldn't want to fire their weapon unless they truly felt they had to. Only under the most perilous circumstances would they choose to use excessive force to deter a criminal. If it means killing that person in order to save themselves, then so be it. The criminal has paid their price.

No, I do not believe that a community teeming with gun owners is liable to turn into one big high noon showdown. If anything, it will be a community where a man respects his neighbor and the neighbor respects him, and where crime decreases as criminals run out of vulnerable targets.

Update

A lot has happened since my last post, but I'm still stuck in a rut of confusion and apprehension. So maybe not much has happened after all?

I walked out of my job because of a person I couldn't work with and since then I've been working on a portfolio and trying (re: failing) to get my life organized and set on the right track.


Why am I holding myself back from accomplishing things? Why am I so lazy?

Does this all sound familiar and annoying? Because it sure does to me.

Every day goes by so fast and I'm left wondering, at the end of the day, what my life is going to amount to. So far it hasn't amounted to much.

There has to be some reason why I'm preventing my own life from happening.

I will be 23 in less than a month and I still don't know what I want to do with my life

I start work sometime next week, and in the meantime I need to figure out what to do from there. I've decided not to pursue a graduate program at Purdue University Calumet since their graduate program for English majors centers around just teaching. Lame. I regret not saying "f*ck it" and applying to art school 5 years ago, knowing that while I would be up to my eyeballs in debt, at least I'd be working towards something I actually cared about. So that's one of the reasons I still try to keep drawing and painting; I'm aware that I have some talent, at least, in that area, and I believe it could serve some kind of purpose later on in my life. I think I should work harder in my drawing to improve, and maybe I can construct a modest portfolio and do something with that. I don't want to be just good enough to do greeting cards; I want to be good enough to illustrate children's books, or draw a comic (if I have the patience), or design characters and environments for shows and films. Do storyboards and that kind of thing.



I just feel so lost, as always.

I need to get back into writing things other than half-assed declarations of my continued existence

    Dyl balanced the cigarette on her lip at a 40 degree angle, revved the chainsaw, and began to cut. The grinding chain shrieked and moaned as bits of frozen tissue shot away from the point of contact like tiny rockets. Her wiry arms shook under the machine’s raw power with each descent into the limb’s hardening flesh.
    The chain struck earth, kicking up thick clots of clay and withered grass. She turned off the saw and let it drop to the icy ground with a heavy, resounding thud. She regarded her work with a practiced eye. The minuscule droplets of her breath intermingled with curling tendrils of smoke as she nudged the leg back into alignment with the rest of the body with the scuffed toe of her boot.
    It looked like a life-size Ken doll, stiff and motionless with its removable parts. The only thing off was the face -- eyes closed, no grin. She knelt over the head and placed her gloved hands on either side of the victim’s face, using her thumbs to tug the pursed blue lips into a smile.

No go.

    She sat back on her heels and studied the horizon. The sun’s feeble rays competed with the occasional 20-mile per hour gusts that rattled the blackened tree branches and sprayed snow off the roof of her old Victorian farmhouse.

    She lived, literally, in the dead center of nowhere. The epicenter of nothingness. The nearest roads were unmarked strips of country gravel that kicked up dust and made speeds over 30mph a challenge. The surrounding horizon stretched on for what Dyl figured were hundreds of miles; one flat field after another. A few windbreaks here and there, but little else. She liked the isolation, the uninterrupted privacy. Her house was perched on the only hill in the area, and she would always be able to see if someone was coming.

But no one ever did, and that was just fine with her.

    Dyl took one last pull on her cigarette, then placed it between her victim’s lips. A strong gust of wind sent the ash toppling over, blowing into a pair of cavernous nostrils and clinging to 2-day old stubble. Dyl wiped it away, then pushed the cigarette all the way into the mouth. She forced the lips shut, but the jaw hung slack. She’d have to do something about that. There was caulk in the garage. 

Kate has yet to take over

I sound crazy, don't I? Like I'm awaiting the moment my other personality awakens and turns me into someone else?

I wish this were the case, actually. So, I made what could either be looked at as a huge mistake or a wise, but challenging, decision.

I decided not to further pursue a full time job that pays $10 an hour. Okay, before the hypothetical audience asks why I would turn this job down, let me explain myself. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make. I was called back for three interviews total; I attended each of them. The last one is the decider, the 5-hour observathon where I spent 4 hours behind the front desk, saying hi to anyone who walked in and serving beverages when they were asked for. Some points were very busy with people coming in; others were incredibly dull and I had nothing to do but sit and pretend I had something interesting to look at, even though there was nothing. At 4:05 I told the woman working the front desk/coordinator position I was applying for that I wasn't sure I could handle this. I should have specified that I wouldn't be able to juggle school with a full time job, but she understood and let me go a few minutes later.

The whole time I was there I felt awkward, uncomfortable with myself, and I was in the way (the area behind the front desk was quite cramped). It's hard to smile and look at ease when you aren't expected to actually DO anything, but at the same time you know you have to do SOMETHING. I stuck out because I wasn't working there; I probably looked like some random pasty girl just sitting back there awkwardly, trying to force my stiff face into an easygoing smile while looking important, like I served an actual purpose.

But it just didn't feel right to me. The cons outweighed the pros. I'm volunteering my time and knowledge at my local library to help teachers teach adults how to speak English as a second language (ESL). Keep in mind this is volunteering, not a paid position. However, I think I will grow to enjoy it and it's a valuable experience. I also want to use this as an opportunity to improve my people skills, which need a lot of improvement, and figure out how to loosen up, have fun, and become a somewhat competent helper in tutoring. The people I've met so far are very nice and also very direct, which I appreciate. I hate vagueness. To me, that shows a person who can be deceptive and manipulative. I appreciate honesty and concise answers.

One of the more obvious reasons why I chose to not further pursue the full time job is that they are looking for a committed employee; someone who will stay with the company for a long period of time, someone who will help the company grow. I can not commit to it, as it is not my career goal, and I wouldn't feel right working this job for a few months and then have to quit because of school. That would be more work for them to go through, and that wouldn't be fair to them.

What I want is part-time work, something I can juggle with being a full time student. (Not to mention the perks of being a student which include insurance and discounts).

I return!

So I've neglected this place quite a lot and I know I need to do more writing. I've been focusing more on drawing and figuring out what do to with my life. Or what life I have, anyway.

I'm always talking about being a better person, and for awhile now I've been thinking about how I'm much more kick-ass in my head than in reality. Let's call this figment of my imagination "Kate". My hidden, other self who is outgoing, fun, likable, clever, witty, confident, and motivated. She has style, class, and attracts people who are just as awesome as she is.

Why can't I be Kate? Why am I so self-aware as to be crippled by my inhibitions and discomfort? Why do I care what others think of me? Why do I naturally stiffen up when I'm around other people? Why can't I stop feeling ugly, stupid, antisocial, boring, lazy, and pathetic all around?

Kate lives up in my head, but I want so badly to bring her to life -- to be her.

Is it weird that I have an alter ego in my mind who often does and says really badass things that I imagine I could've done in situations that ended up being so awkward? I don't want to stand out, and yet I do. I want to be noticed by people I admire. I want to be admired. I want to have some influence in the world.


Of course, Kate is prettier than me. I can't say how, but I suppose her confidence and superior sense of style have something to do with it. She always has something funny and witty to say, and she always makes people laugh. Everyone loves talking to her. Her voice doesn't sound weird. She doesn't say awkward things at awkward moments. She thinks before she talks -- and she doesn't talk too fast.

I want so badly to be this girl. To be interesting, to be the person with friends that always want to hang with her. To be assertive, and to do things right. To be calm at all times.

Sometimes I wish my life was like Stanley's in The Mask, where he puts on a mysterious mask and suddenly his alter ego takes over, and he runs wild through Edge City, getting away with whatever he wants. He's charismatic, funny, adventurous, and magnetic. I wish Kate would take over sometime. She can use an outing.

A lot of times I wish I lived in a Miyazaki movie. I was watching Castle in the Sky a couple days ago and desperately wanted to look up in the sky one day and see Laputa floating among the clouds. You could say I don't always live in reality. I get lost in my thoughts. But, come on. Reality or giant castle suspended above the earth, safe and uncorrupted from the chaos below? Ancient gardens, mechanical lifeforms, an underwater city, a giant tree -- if there is a heaven, that should be it. What I love about Miyazaki films is not just their creativity, detail and story, but the strange familiarity that envelops me every time I settle down to watch. Spirited Away, which I am also happy to own, is very much like this. It's returning to a secret hiding place, or remembering bits and pieces of dreams and stitching them back together in the order that makes the most sense. Kiki's Delivery Service makes me wish for simplicity and contentment; Kiki's trial is to spend a year away from home and improve her abilities as a witch, and also develop greater independence. The city she relocates to is bustling and very different from her quiet home, but it is also gorgeously quaint. She gets a job delivering baked goods for the bakery's pregnant owner, and makes friends along the way. It is such a simple story, but is presented in a charming way that makes me wish we could all start our lives over and abandon the complexities and obligations of 21st century life. Sometimes I imagine I could drop out of college if it meant lodging in the attic above a cozy bakery and spending my days delivering bread and cakes to generally friendly people. Ah, so simple and carefree. It's that youthfulness and optimism that capture the heart and stimulate the imagination.

can't sleep

I try on the blazer, thinking some kind of spark of self actualization will ignite or a light bulb blink on over my ragged ponytail, or the music playing in the store will rise to a dramatic crescendo, heralding my entrance into the universe of effortless style. Instead, I feel self conscious and awkward. I do not wear clothes well, because I'm still not 100% comfortable in my body. I was fussy and fidgety as all get out when I was a kid, and while more self-assured today, I still have my moments of incredible discomfort. It sucks. I reluctantly peek in at my reflection and am not blown away by it. As always, my head looks too small and my hands hang awkwardly at my sides. I never know what to do with my knobby, long-thumbed hands. I'm at that stage where I'm trying to get comfortable enough with myself where I can stand still and look normal. I've been a sloucher for the longest time, and am still working on keeping my shoulders and back straight as often as possible. I force my flat feet to into arched ones and try to point my toes a little more inward. I try to make eye contact with people more often, but still have a tendency to become robotic in random situations. You'd think I'd been raised by wolves.

Self-improvement is my thing right now. I want to be a better person, I need to be a better person. I want to be more attractive, more approachable, kinder, more outgoing and sociable. I want to be more responsible, accomplish things, and experience some success. I want to be recognized for doing something good. Not necessarily awards, but, you know, a thank you would suffice.

TBC

I'm sick of people not being able to understand that there are women who enjoy being single. I'm sick of all these preconceptions about single women:

-You must be lonely, because you're SO ALONE
-You're a miserable, bitter cat lady
-You'll never be happy without a man in your life
-Your vagina probably smells


Yes, I am so tortured and lonely, because I do not have a man to make me feel whole. I am mean and weird and cold, because I don't need a boyfriend/fiancee/husband in order to be content. I'm from another planet. I'm a lesbian. I'm asexual.

Sometimes having a natural tendency to defy the conventional lifestyle can be fun. It can also be incredibly difficult, especially when your mother insists that someday you'll meet the man of your dreams, marry him, and have children, grow old together, etc. And I always reply, "And what if I don't? So what?" And she just says, "You will, and you'll change your mind."

Blahblahblah.

Whenever my grandmother asks me if I have a boyfriend, I tell her I'm too busy for one. It's kind of true. Plus there are more important activities in life than chasing men.

I won't lie; I have my share of crushes. But the thought of entering a relationship with any of these people just turns me off. My hormones say: SEX. NOW. But I think of how complicated it all is, and my brain says: "Forgetaboutit."

I have the unfortunate habit of harboring crushes on the most unattainable people. I fantasize about what it would be like to hook up with them. Reality is so disappointing.

And even when I have those days where I see couples acting all lovey dovey and get irritated by it, I'm still happier on my own. I despise being so stigmatized by people for my singleness.

When I'm cranky, it's not because I'm lonely or need to get laid. I'm just frustrated because so few people are willing to understand where I'm coming from.

I'm not sure if I should go into another shpiel about how insane I am sometimes

But it involved me being so ridiculously out of it that I forgot to run a really important errand, and as all things go, made myself look like a moron. I shouldn't let dumb mistakes get to me, but they do anyway because I make so many of them. When I'm driving, especially for three hours, my mind wanders.

A lot.

I will only go so far as to say that I spent way too much time thinking about the way someone looked at me and it made me feel warm all over. It's hard to explain. But I can't stop thinking about it. And I will shut up now before this starts to sound like some cheesy novel.

Note to self: Stop making something out of nothing.

School schmool

Philosophy is @#&!ing hard. Really, really hard. I can't wait for it to be over even though my prof is cute in a  dorky way and has a funny laugh so I can move on with my life and stress out over something else. I still forget I'm a senior sometimes. It's weird when I see people that I think are older than me and are actually younger than me. Weird, I tell you. And I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life after college. Obviously I need to find a job, and eventually get my own place, and who knows what after that. I want to be young and naive and believe that I'll get a super awesome job somewhere really cool, but I know I have to be realistic. If I do get a super awesome job sometime in my life, it will be a long time from now. One thing I'm finding is that I really love history. Right now I'm taking a medieval civilizations class, and it's great. The professor is so enthusiastic about history, and he's quirky in that old guy historian way. Most of all though, what he talks about is so interesting. I think medieval/middle age politics is really fascinating. It was such an active time in history, when Europe and England were making big transitions into organized government and really getting themselves together. Not to mention, all the plots between royal family members and the gorgeous art and the cathedrals that were being constructed in those days. The fortresses, the conflicts between the papacy and royalty, etc. For my research paper, I'm learning about the amazing Blanche of Castile, who was Queen of France in the early to mid 13th century. I need to hurry up and finish her biography and get working on my other sources.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to get off the Zoloft. I started taking it when I was pretty young, for anxiety. A lot of times I think that my mom shouldn't have ever let them prescribe me a medication because I was so young at the time. I think it's screwed me up a little. Now if I don't take it for a couple of days, and then I do again, it messes me up physically. I feel weak, dizzy, my hands shake, and I have no appetite. My eyelids feel heavy and my limbs weigh a ton. It's pretty unpleasant. But that's what happens when you become so accustomed to having certain chemicals in your system that it affects you both mentally and physically.

When I went to Indy the last weekend of October with my parents, my mom told me that my dad finally went in for a check up (he hadn't done so for 8 years). Turns out he had a polyp, but the doctor had it removed. My dad also has very high blood pressure and high cholesterol. He lost 10 lbs over a few weeks. He has to take a medication now (I forget what for exactly) but for pretty much his entire life (until now) he has never been dependent on a medication. Whether or not he cares about that, I'm just glad he made that visit to the doctor when he did. And I hope he gets healthier.

Why do I only write here when I'm pissed about something

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place -- I don't want to apologize for who I am, but there are times when I really want to. When you're prone to being avoided, like me, you start to wonder if you should be yourself at all, as it clearly hasn't gotten you any friends. Should I say "Go to hell, this is me and if you don't like it, why are you wasting your time"? Or mumble, "Sorry" and go back to being a contrite little doormat, retreating to the wall and blending in with the stripes and flower prints? I'm caught between being my serious, distant, humorous-at-all-the-wrong-times self and attempting to fit into the mold of a warmer, more approachable extrovert.

I suck at filling that mold, by the way.

Am I awkward, or is it the people I try to have a normal conversation with? Why is it that my questions always go ignored, my snarky remarks get followed by silence, my presence not even be acknowledged? Is it because of who I am, or who I'm trying (and failing) to be? Am I not relaxed enough? Am I a ghost?

For once, I'd like to be that person that people listen to. I want people to be interested in what I have to say. I'd like to be able to actually relate to others, and have inside jokes and be able to laugh about stupid things that happen instead of slumping in my seat and feeling my insides curl in embarrassment, because I know I'm alone in what I go through. Something weird happens. "Has this ever happened to you?" I ask. "No", they say.

What do I do then?

It's like drowning in the middle of a deep pool, and no one's offering me a hand because they've never seen a person drown before.

When you hear the saying "I feel most alone when I'm surrounded by people", know that I understand it completely. Oh wait, you probably weren't even paying attention.

Ramble ramble

Tumblr is getting to be very habit-forming. I really need to stop finding ways to waste my life.

This might sound insanely trivial, but one of my goals for the not so distant future is to overhaul my wardrobe...or at least start. I know there are plenty of ways to express yourself, but I just hate that my clothes do absolutely nothing for me, stylewise. I look around and see all this cool stuff, and I'm like, wow, I really wish I'd thought of that. I know fashion is far from the most important thing in the world, but lately it's been clawing its way into my thought process and altering my interests. In other words, I'd like to get back into sewing. Get back, as in, when I was little, I knew how to sew. A little, anyway. But I like seeing how people take clothing that is super awesome but may not fight quite right, and just go, tear out some threads, and re-stitch to make everything work. That is fucking cool. I want to know how to do that. It's not a pointless skill.

So, in a way, I'm getting more into clothing and its aesthetic appeal for me. What am I into? Items that are simple yet charming, maybe with a vintage touch. I can't describe it, but it's definitely more interesting than what I actually wear.

I'm not trying to put myself down when I say I wish I had a better sense of style and dressed myself better. I don't think I tell people anything with what I wear, or pull off anything that could warrant a positive, even lasting impression. I'm dull on the outside, and while I don't see this as a horrible, unforgivable thing, it's definitely an aspect which demands improvement. I need to improve myself, inside and out. I get stuck in the doldrums so often, and it's like I don't have the energy to pull myself onto higher ground.

I want to experiment, to find what works for me (stylewise and living-wise). This is what makes me curious about the future. What can I do to improve myself, and after that, what can I do to improve the world around me? How can I consistently help out others, while juggling the tasks that make up the typical adult life? A career, household amenities, food, toilet paper, my health, my relationships?

I can be a much better person. Right now I'm just mediocre -- I'm friendly enough, I help people out in small ways when the situation calls for it. I get along well with my family and I stay out of trouble. Still, I also make mistakes, am lazy, forget things, lose things, and yell expletives at bad drivers. I'm facing the right direction, but I just need to figure out how to start moving, and keep moving. I hope I can reach my goals, no matter how simple and trifling some of them may be.

Tim Gunn's 10 Essential Elements: Must-Have Basic Wardrobe Pieces for Any Woman

Inspiration low, so I'm posting other things relevant to my interests.

1. Basic Black Dress - The basic black dress has been around for a long time. It is often called the "Little Black Dress", and it's true that shorter skirts on the basic black dress, when they hit you in the right place, can be more flattering than a long black dress.
2. Trench Coat - The trench coat is one of the pieces that is both classic and currently a hot fashion item. Most any store sells this piece now. It is great for fall and you can pick it up in a wide range of lengths.
3. Dress Pants - Although it doesn't say black, this is probably what you want to look for. Black is flattering on all figures and goes with everything.
4. Classic Shirt - The white shirt is a definite classic. But it can also come in many different styles to make it look trendy and not dated or like a man's piece of clothing. Find one that accentuates your best attributes and minimizes trouble spots. For example, if you have wide shoulders, stay away from large collars.
5. Jeans - Everyone has a pair of jeans, but does everyone have a pair of jeans that make them look great? The wider leg, low-rise jean style has been popular (and still is) but a narrower leg is coming back along with a higher waist, which eliminates the unflattering "muffin top" look.
6. Any Occasion Top - Find something you look great in that can look respectable under a jacket but bring on the fun after hours.
7. Skirt - If you need dress pants then you also need a skirt. A skirt is womanly and can be flirty or businesslike. Nowadays women do not wear many skirts or dresses, which makes a lot of them fall into a rut of dressing sloppily or like men. See number 8.
8. Day Dress - Women also are not wearing as many dresses anymore. It was certainly liberating to go from the '50s when women wore dresses every day to wearing more practical pants for gardening, exercising, and so forth. But the dress does not have to be abandoned altogether. They can be very flattering, and there is nothing wrong with "dressing up" for daytime.
9. Jacket - A jacket does not have to be masculine. Find one with a proper, fitted shape. Women's jackets should follow the silhouette of a woman's body and accent the hourglass curve at her waist. It is also a perfect piece to put with the skirt or dress pants, and white shirt. Or make it casual with a pair of jeans.
10. Sweatsuit Alternative - As mentioned before, women wear fewer skirts and dresses these days. But some women have taken casual to the extreme and spend days on end in sweatsuits. It is possible to be casual and comfortable without looking like a slob. Find a comfortable material (that's why this doesn't say jeans again – denim is not as comfortable as a nice soft cotton) that you would want to wear every day. It could be khakis, cords, a cotton dress, or much more.

Read more: http://womensfashion.suite101.com/article.cfm/tim_gunns_10_essential_elements#ixzz0VO7efsHs

WAHT DISNEY PRINCESS AM I

Cinderella

One of your parents is dead.
You are expected to do a lot of chores.
You love to dress up.
You love animals.
You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming.
Your mom is really strict.
You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you.
You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes.
You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before.
You have blonde hair.
Total: 4

Belle

You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like.
You’ve been lost in the forest.
You love to read.
You are not shy at all, and not afraid to speak your mind.
One of your family members is a bit weird.
You have done volunteer work.
You have a wild imagination.
You love to take care of people in need.
You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty.
You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out.
Total: 6

Jasmine

Your dad is very rich/important.
You are very clever.
You’ve been with someone way different from you.
You’re unique and different from everyone else.
You’d never marry someone just because they were rich.
You have set a lot of goals for yourself.
You don’t have a lot of friends.
You’re independent.
You are wealthy.
Your parents try to control your life.
Total: 3

Ariel

Your parents expect a lot from you.
You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you.
You’re a bit of a trouble maker.
You’re the youngest in your family or in the last two.
You have a lot of sisters (three or more).
You collect something.
You have/had long hair.
You have/had a pet fish.
You’re extremely curious.
You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible.
Total: 4

Snow White

You know that you’re beautiful.
Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you.
You’ve almost been killed.
You have at least seven good friends.
You’ve had food poisoning.
You have/had short hair.
You get along with almost everyone.
All of your friends are different.
You love to have a good time.
You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in.
Total: 4

Mulan

You can be a tomboy sometimes.
People wish you could be a bit more girly.
You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not.
You’ve had a physical fight with someone.
You have/had considered running away from home.
Your parents try to plan your life out.
A lot of your friends are boys.
You sometimes find yourself in bad situations.
You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them.
Total: 5

Aurora

You live/have lived with someone other than your parents.
You almost died at a very young age.
You are gentle, loving and/or thoughtful.
You have a decent singing voice.
You like to sleep in late on the weekends.
You spend most of your time outside, or try to do so.
You’re adopted.
You’re very romantic.
Pink is one of your favorite colors. (It's actually a good color on me)
Total: 3

Pocahontas

You love to walk around and explore big cities.
You are more spiritual than religious.
You’ve been in an interracial relationship.
One of your family members is dead (mum, dad, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa).
Your parents are very protective of you.
Someone you know has been in war.
You love nature.
You have/had black hair.
You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful.
You’re very adventurous.
Total: 5

Dearest Cousin

I'm too nice to come out and say this to you directly, so it's going into this obscure little receptacle in a dark corner of the internet.

You are the worst conversationalist ever. Really. It defies any metaphorical explanation. I'd probably get more out of talking to myself. You start every single "convo" with the same greeting, the same damn question. A few times I've said, "Hello, and yes I'm fine" before you got a chance to ask and you didn't seem aware of it. As your relative, I believe I have the right to complain about your conversational shortcomings. I'm aware that you're going through a lot now, but usually someone who is going through a lot, especially being someone I've known all my life, I would have thought you'd be more inclined to spill. But no, maybe I'm too young and insignificant, and you'd rather chat with my sister, who is closer to you in age. Fine. But if that's really the case, then don't waste your trivial, repetitive small talk on me. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm the small-talk recipient for lots of people, and I don't need it from you.

I often have to wait at least five minutes for a one-word reply from you. You said, "I saw Paranormal Activity today." I asked, "How was it?" You said, "Scary."
That's it. "Scary."

Well knock me over with a flea.

I should expect bland, one-word answers from you by now, but I can't stop hoping that one day I'll get some complete sentence responses. Why do you bother talking to me when we're not really even having a legitimate conversation? What's the point? Here's my advice for you:

Get a hobby.

You spend too much time sitting around, doing Facebook quizzes (which spam my homepage), watching TV, and calling my family and talking in much the same way you do with me on Facebook. I'm sorry, but talking to you in any form is painful. You're a sweet person most of the time, but your idea of conversation is excruciatingly lacking. When you're not working, this is what you do. Your social life consists of walking around the mall or going and getting drunk at bars with friends.

If you want to meet more people, and maybe even a new guy, you need to get out of the house and get involved in something. Find another job, join some kind of group, do something. I know I could say the same for myself in some respects, but I'm not the boring conversationalist. You are. You need to find better ways to pass your time. Try new things, find ways to improve yourself.

But enough of the "Hi Katie how are you" thing every day. I've answered that question way too many times. My answer is always the same. Be a little more creative. You'd have much more to say if your life were actually busier.

I think really, the reason you prefer my sister to me is because you two are more alike. Not necessarily because of age, but because you're both lacking certain maturity. Amazingly, I think my sister is more mature than you in ways. She's also more vocal and interesting to converse with (but then, she IS my sister).

Dear cousin, I love you very much, and you know I understand that you've had a lot of things you've had to deal with in the last few years, from your father's sudden, untimely death, to his belligerent relations, to your divorce. The divorce could have been avoided if you hadn't gotten married in the first place; if you'd thought things over and realized that, gee, after eight years of this lukewarm (at best) relationship, maybe marriage isn't the best idea. You two never communicate. Shouldn't that be a red light right there? One year of not-so-wedded-bliss and all that money for nothing. It's depressing.

Try thinking for yourself a little more.

H1N!!!!!1

So my mom called and told me I should get the H1N1 vaccine. I'd been meaning to pass on it, because my immune system kicks ass, but since my mom is concerned, I'm willing to go through with it. According to her, it's airborne and a person 10 ft away could infect you without even coughing. I'm not one to give in to media hype, especially concerning a virus, but my mother's word takes priority over all else (at least in the case of life or death) and since I'd hate to upset her by saying "no, I did not get the vaccine", I guess I've got no choice. Our campus is very low on the vaccine, but if it's available I guess I'll get it.

OT: The chapters in my meteorology textbook are insanely long. I was reading chapter 11 earlier (on tropical storms and hurricanes), and my god it is never-ending. I've been doing a crap load of reading this semester, but I guess that's to be expected when you're taking 18 hours.

procrastination

I’ve never watched Twilight
I have drunk alcohol
I have tried smoking
I read a lot
I’ve been in a car crash
I’ve thought someone was in my house at night
I would change over 5 things about my body
I know all the words to ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’
I’ve lied to my best friend
I’ve pretended to like something to fit in
I’ve dyed my hair
I’ve wished a family member ill
I’ve hit someone
I have read all the Harry Potters
I know all the words to Mean Girls
I am an atheist
I’ve pretended to like something in order to talk to a boy
I’ve been abroad
I don’t want to be a photographer
I own skinny jeans
I like tea
I hardly ever wear makeup
I wish I could sing
I am happy with my body
I’m not very outspoken
I wish I was older
I’ve done an all nighter
I’ve woken up and couldn’t remember the night before
I have a scar that i don’t know where it's from
I really like buying stationery
I have had the same phone for over a year
I have broken something in a shop
I like coffee
I collect something
I wish I wasn’t so restricted
I’ve stolen sweets
I’ve cried so much its hurt
I have tried to lose weight
I have tried to call with my remote control
I like tinned fruit
I’m addicted to the internet
I like compliments
I’m easily persuaded
I think my friends hate me at times
Or all the time
I own more than one pair of trainers
I prefer morning to night
Lord of the Rings IS cool
I like someone
They don’t like me
I show emotion too much
I can't be without my phone